Updated Bible Stories

The oft told Bible stories of my youth are no longer exciting or interesting enough to be important to today's generation of hedonistic narcissists. Ok, that isn't specifically what the author says, but how inaccurate is my premise?

From the Daily Mail

Goliath is a celebrity binge drinker, Eve is a sex-obsessed man-eater and Noah's wife wants to kill him . . . welcome to the updated Bible.

An Anglican vicar has rewritten the most famous biblical tales because he wants to make them more "accessible" to modern readers.

The Rev Robert Harrison's book, Must Know Stories, contains retellings of ten Bible stories and is out tomorrow.

In the nativity story, Jesus is born in an overcrowded house instead of a stable, amid family conflict as Joseph's aunt deals with the fact that he and Mary are not even married.

Last night Mr Harrison defended his decision to rewrite key Christian tales that have remained unchanged for centuries.

He said he was doing it to encourage people to read stories "that are so utterly part of our culture.

"They should know them - not as a matter of religion but as a matter of cultural education," he said.

By all means, lets see what we can do to secularize the Holy Bible. That whole yucky religion thing is like totally getting in the way of a good story.

"I wanted to write a book that tells the most important Bible stories in a way that relishes them rather than tries to make any particular religious point.

"After all, who knows what the point is?

You are a Reverend, right? You do have some credentials, don't you?

"What is more important to me is that people are getting to know the stories.

Yes, your stories, not Biblical ones.

"There are lots of people who won't pick up the Bible and look for a story, most won't even own one.

"Even if they did they would find it hard to translate as it is written in Shakespearean English. I want to get the stories to them in an accessible form, written for modern society."

My premise is totally wrong.

This book isn't for hedonistic narcissist children that might not read the stories otherwise, but from the pen of a hedonistic narcissist clergyman that wouldn't know his head from his ass at high noon.

You know, God had most of this stuff figured out before he put Adam and his sex-crazed equal partner in the eco-friendly commune at Eden.

Oh, and Reverend, pick yourself up an NIV, you know, for the translation.

h/t The Institute on Religion and Democracy