Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Fantasy Football

I wonder how long it took Newton to really discover the constants of gravity and motion. I suppose it took some applied study in addition to years of casual if not dedicated research to understand their diligence and applications.

I have likewise observed the nuances of Fantasy Football through many seasons. It was this past week, however, that I had my moment of epiphany, and I present my observations now, to both the scientific and sporting worlds.

Rougman's First Law of Fantasy Football states that a player's ability to score points is directly disproportional to the number of weeks you actually wasted on the dirty bastadge, starting him game after excruciating game, waiting for the jackass to actually put up some friggen points! The longer he starts, the worse he gets.

Conversely, Rougman's Second Law of Fantasy Football states that a player's ability to score points is directly disproportional to the length of time he has been scoring points as a non-starter. In other words, if the player has been scoring points up the wazoo while either sitting on your bench or unclaimed on the waiver wire, when you finally start him or, even worse, spend money on him to sign him so you can start him, the sumbitch won't be worth a steaming squat of crappola. The longer he sits, the more impressive the numbers.

As evidence for these axioms of truth, I present to you the scoring charts of two current dipsticks that happen to hold down spots on my roster. On the left you see Chad Pennington whose game was spiraling around the sides of the toilet bowl on its way to the septic tank as I started him for several weeks in desperation after injuries to both Jake Delhomme and Matt Leinart. When I finally benched him he put up 23.

On the right you see David Garrard who posted consistent if not spectacular numbers after spending all season on the free agent wire. I picked him up, inserted him in the starting lineup, and exposed myself to Rougman's Second Law.

Rougman's Third Law of Fantasy Football goes something like this (though the text is not set in stone): I suck.


stonehands said...


Remember: Timing is everything.

(Too bad you seem to have absolutely no sense of rythym at all.)

By the way, have you ever considered utilizing 'the law of avaerages'? Just wondering.

(I guess someone has to be at the bottom of "the bell curve" allowing a few to excell, huh?)

Do I hear the sound of the tub emptying the last few pints of bath water???

The Rougman said...

David Garrard is perhaps out for the next 4 weeks. I might need another QB.

Right now there are about 5 starting NFL QBs that are crossing their fingers hoping that I don't add them to my roster. Apparently they don't like being placed on the I/R.