You Can Call Me MARVIN

'Welcome to Michigan's Automated Response Voice Interactive Network, you can call me Marvin.'

Never have more depressing words been received by a guy that grew up Mennonite, a guy taught to work for a living, and a guy that had it beaten into his head that charity was something to be provided to others, and not something to be accepted for one's self. (I was also told not to talk in the pews while sitting with my friends. Many of you saw how that turned out.)

So this morning, pride swallowed and a coffee induced caffeine rush streaming through my veins, I gave MARVIN my first call of this benefit year, my job a casualty of an assault orchestrated by Christopher Dodd and Barney Frank, et. al., on the economic mores that were driven into my skull as a youth. I am no longer a contributer to the system, but a taker.

MARVIN, for those of you fortunate enough to have dodged his monotone dronings, is the computerized system that all eligible unemployed Michiganders must report to by phone every two weeks to claim weeks of unemployment. After a series of prompts and warnings, the caller is led, pride in hand, through an obstacle course of yes and no responses that should result in the issuing of an unemployment check, payable to the lucky caller, by our most benevolent nanny, the state of Michigan.

Now, I am aware as to how unemployment works, and I understand that insurance premiums have been paid to the government to provide me with this compensation. I understand that the percentage of payroll that my employer pays for me and all his other employees for this insurance, goes up and down with the amounts paid to his out of work employees. Knowing this does not make me feel any better. Regardless of the mechanizations in place that allow me to receive this money, I am being non-productive and being paid for it. Ain't America great?

Menno Simons, had he not been such a pacifist (and dead a few hundred years) would be inclined to beat my lazy butt blue.

'Press one for yes, and nine for no.'

MARVIN wants to know if I am claiming both weeks.

I am.

Was I available for work?

Sure.

Did I look for work?

Yep.

Did I turn down any work, receive any cash payments, start attending school, etc., etc., etc. No, no, no, and so forth.

MARVIN comfortingly tells me that a check will be mailed to me on the next business day for I have apparently received a perfect score on his bi-weekly quiz.

Thanks, MARVIN, but will my money be accompanied with any self-esteem that I might tuck snugly inside my soul as easily as I can place a check in my wallet?

He curtly hangs up after a monotone "goodbye," my question unanswered. It seems as if I have been ignored entirely. There was no one for yes, no nine for no. I'll just go out on a limb here and assume nine.