Of Cougars, Lizards, and Michigan Advocates

Please understand that I'm not dismissing the very idea that there might be cougars in Michigan. I admit to some skepticism, but is it possible? I suppose it is. Color me agnostic on the whole cougars in the Wolverine State debate.

Seriously, what could I possibly know?

Two years ago last spring I saw a salamander crawling down the gnarly trunk of an ironwood tree right outside my living room window. It was of a type I had never seen before, so my daughter and I went quickly outside to inspect it more closely. It sat there, serene and unmoving, until I was able to get my nose to within less than a foot of its eight inch long body.

It was like no salamander I had ever seen before for a very good reason. It was, in fact, no salamander at all. It was a lizard. Scaly and clawed, it looked a lot like a girl I used to know from junior high, at least from the tail up.

Color me shocked at that little episode, because I was positive there were no lizards indigenous to Michigan. I was immediately excited. I was absolutely certain I had happened across a never before identified species of lizard.

Now, mind you, I'm not admitting that I may have jumped the gun a bit at the outset, but it didn't take me long to begin to think of names that would forever immortalize my discovery...

lizardous rougmanicus

rougmanici sawhimfirsti

rougmanices rex

The lizard sat there for a good ten minutes staring at me, probably marveling at his own discovery of humans in the Great Lake State. Since neither me nor the lizard had a jar handy to collect the other species for later observation, we parted ways. He skittered off to the upper climes of the tree while I rushed to the computer to investigate.

It took me about three minutes on the internet to discover that Michigan indeed has a thriving lizard population. In those few short seconds I surmised the true purpose behind the DNR's existence--that of destroying my best chance at fame, ever.

five lined skink (Eumeces fasciatus)

What do cougars have to do with the now famous five lined skink? Nothing really, except that my skepticism for a cougar population in Michigan is roughly equivalent to the skepticism I used to have for lizards in Oscoda County.

An article today in the Free Press covered discussions that took place this morning at a Senate committee meeting convened to gather testimony on the possibility of a cougar population in our fair state.

Cougars have been seen by hundreds of people in Michigan over the last 25 years, filmed and photographed, their tracks and droppings confirmed by scientists and attacks on livestock documented, the witnesses said.

Michigan has "a bona fide resident ... self-sustaining cougar population," said Pat Rusz, research biologist with the Michigan Wildlife Conservancy.

The paragraph that took me by surprise, however, was this:

The Wildlife Conservancy is seeking to have the DNR recognize a breeding population of cougars in both the Upper and Lower Peninsulas and implement a management plan to ensure their survival.

This, friends, is one way in which governments become large, self-important, and over extended, through the supposed benevolence of advocates ensuring the survival of species (and programs) where there is legitimate doubt as to whether they even exist (or should.)

I'd rather we ensure the survival of rougmanices rex. We can worry about finding out if he exists or not after the money comes on line. In the mean time...book me on Leno!