Down with the Tanned Obese!

The days of lying in a tanning bed while dragging on a smoke and horking down full-size chocolate bars and large sugary drinks may end soon, at least in Britain. How long it takes before such selfless concern for the citizenry spreads across the pond is anyone's guess. Seriously, not since Jack and Diane stopped shamelessly sucking on chili dogs have the prospects for a healthier population looked this good.

If we are lucky we will stop seeing altogether those bronzed herds of obese and puffing Pepsi drinkers milling about the candy machines. Perhaps a group exercise session could be organized to fill up those listless hours otherwise spent chomping on sweet caramel and Skoal, preferably after dark and far away from any fast food establishments.

Because, if there is one thing that advocates and concerned bureaucrats love more than dietetic Swiss cake rolls it is a healthy, happy subject smelling only slightly of cabbage. Don't you worry though, none of these crusades will ever limit a person's freedom to exercise his or her own free will.

Gill Fine, from the FSA said: 'We are not telling people what to eat. We want to make it easier for people to make healthier choices — to choose foods with reduced saturated fat and sugar — or smaller portion sizes.'

Which can be done quite easily by limiting the menu to asparagus, celery, and kohlrabi. Just look at the glorious choice! (Please hold the salt and you can also forget about any of that disgustingly high calorie cheese sauce.)

How long will it be before the British bureaucracy and its political remora, the American anal retentivist version, begin hiring and training beach monitors armed with clip boards and stop watches to shoo away reddening UV lovers recently separated from their illegal tanning beds?

Displaced chocolate workers need jobs too.